thoughts on motherhood: part two

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As my maternity leave comes to an end {I’m back to work full time two weeks from today}, I realized this week that I should probably start preparing myself for what will inevitably be a rather emotional transition. I never thought that I would want to be a full time stay-at-home-mama. Pretty much since we’ve been married, I have said that working part-time would be my ideal situation: I would get to spend quality time with our babes, and continue on my career path that I had spent so much time establishing. Funny how things change. If you ask me today, given the choice between returning to work and staying home with our babe, I would probably choose to stay home. As our pregnancy was a complete surprise, thus very little planning beyond the nine months, I will be returning to work full time {at least  until Hubby graduates in August and subsequently lands a job — then my dreams of part time workery may become a reality}. Our child care is still up in the air due to Hubby’s unknown clinical rotation schedule. Though I know that things always have a way of working themselves out, this only adds to the list of “things for which we cannot prepare”.

I’ve turned into a bit of a hermit since birthing this boy, and I think that it’s subconsciously because I know that I have to go back to work. I want to soak up all the time that I can with him. I want to spend my days cuddling with him, feeding him, putting him to bed, taking walks and watching him become more interactive every day — because it feels like I’m going to miss out on so many of his days. This has really been a struggle for me — the guilt of returning to work,  leaving this babe and the “well I’m the only one who knows how to {fill in the blank} for Levi”. I’m slowly learning to accept that he will be fine; we will be fine. I know that some mamas aren’t able to take much time off after giving birth, some mamas don’t want to take an extended leave, and that other mamas know from the beginning that they will not return to work. The beauty is that there’s a middle ground — and this is where I’ve landed. This is my journey of motherhood: to figure out how to be a mother, work outside of our home, to find a balance between my career and my little family.

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I’ve been reading a lot of “mommy blogs” lately for extra doses of encouragement and inspiration. Although a majority of them are home with their littles full time, a few of my favorites are: Love Taza, Jen Loves Kev, Dear Baby, and Nat the Fat Rat. I particularly love NTFR’s posts on breastfeeding, and DB’s posts discussing working motherhood.

…more to come, of this I am certain.

xoxo,

PJ

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